GERBIL CARE C. Scott Ananian July 16, 1997 ANNIE: I can't believe you forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: I forgot to feed the gerbils. ANNIE: You forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: I did. I forgot to feed them. I will feed them now. ANNIE: No, it's too late. You forgot to feed the gerbils. Gerbils die if they're not fed. LEM: I will feed them now. I can. They won't die. ANNIE: They will die. They're already dead. LEM: Not if I feed them now. ANNIE: It won't help. LEM: I'm feeding them now. ANNIE: You forgot to feed the gerbils. The gerbils are dead. LEM: They seem to be perking up. ANNIE: Gerbils don't perk. They skitter. Or they die. Are they skittering? LEM: I think so. They're definitely perking up. ANNIE: Gerbils don't perk up. They skitter. The gerbils are dead. LEM: They don't look dead. ANNIE: I can't believe you forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: But I fed them. They're happy. ANNIE: No, the gerbils are dead. LEM: They're not. Look at this one. He's not dead. ANNIE: They should be dead. To me, they're dead. LEM: But they're not dead. ANNIE: They're dead. I'll bury them presently. LEM: But you can't. They're happy. They're perking. ANNIE: Gerbils don't perk. They skitter. They're dead. LEM: You can't bury perky gerbils. ANNIE: They'll have to go. LEM: No. I'll take them. ANNIE: You can't. They're mine. LEM: But you're going to bury them. ANNIE: They're dead. LEM: They're not. ANNIE: They're dead. LEM: They're not. ANNIE: Take your gerbils and go away. I can't believe you killed the gerbils. LEM: I didn't kill them. ANNIE: Take them away. LEM: You're not going to help feed them? ANNIE: They're dead. LEM: Somebody has to feed them. ANNIE: You'll forget. They'll die. LEM: No, they won't. I'll remember. ANNIE: You won't. LEM: You're not going to feed them? ANNIE: No. They're going to die. LEM: You won't cuddle them and play with them? ANNIE: Not if they're going to die. LEM: Do we have to rename them? ANNIE: The girl gerbils can keep my name. LEM: Even if they're going to die? ANNIE: You don't have to rename them. LEM: I won't forget to feed them again. ANNIE: Yes, you will. LEM: I might. ANNIE: You will. LEM: But they won't die! ANNIE: Yes, they will. LEM: They didn't die this time. ANNIE: They will. LEM: How do you know? ANNIE: Becuase I'm not going to help you feed them. LEM: And you're not going to play with them or cuddle them. ANNIE: No. LEM: Not even if they're perky? ANNIE: Gerbils don't perk. They skitter. LEM: The gerbils ate all their food. They look quite healthy. ANNIE: You can continue to name the girl gerbils after me. LEM: They're perky, they're happy. They even skitter. ANNIE: I'm not going to help feed the gerbils. LEM: But why? ANNIE: You forgot to feed them. LEM: They didn't die. ANNIE: You forgot. LEM: What can I do about it? ANNIE: Nothing. LEM: I'm sure I can do something. ANNIE: Nothing. LEM: I'll design a flopacious monster automatic gerbil feeding machine! ANNIE: Nope. LEM: I'll quit my job, burn my books, and devote myself to gerbil care! ANNIE: It won't change anything. LEM: I'll establish a chapter of Gerbil Abusers Anonymous. ANNIE: Weekly time with bad company doesn't help. LEM: I'll donate money to Save The Gerbils. ANNIE: They don't accept contributions from abusers. LEM: I'll buy two ton bags of food in gerbil-friendly packaging and leave them in the cage in case I ever forget. ANNIE: They'll stuff themselves and explode. LEM: There has to be something I can do. ANNIE: You forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: I'm sorry, Annie. ANNIE: Don't use my name. LEM: I can't call you Annie? ANNIE: The gerbils can be Annie. Not me. LEM: What can I call you? ANNIE: The Frobdaecious Ann-Margaret Doyle-Hamsterdon. LEM: Oh. ANNIE: The Third. LEM: I can still call the gerbils Annie? ANNIE: Until you kill them. LEM: I'm sorry about not feeding them. ANNIE: You should be. LEM: Please don't leave the gerbils, Annie. ANNIE: Don't call me that. LEM: I, er--I was talking to the gerbils. ANNIE: Only if you're talking to the gerbils. The girl gerbils. Only. LEM: Please don't leave. ANNIE: I can't share gerbils with someone who won't feed them. LEM: I'll free the gerbils. We can buy hamsters. ANNIE: No. You'll forget to change their wood chips. LEM: Alligators. ANNIE: You won't clean their teeth. LEM: Kiwis. ANNIE: Feather maintenence. LEM: Antelope. ANNIE: Don't they have horns? LEM: We won't buy animals, them. Just don't leave. ANNIE: You forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: We'll forget the gerbils. We'll just be friends. ANNIE: I'm not your friend. LEM: But--we fed the gerbils together. ANNIE: Yes. LEM: We played with them and cuddled them! ANNIE: Sometimes. LEM: You'd come over special to help me feed the gerbils. ANNIE: I was making an exception. LEM: You weren't doing that because you liked me? ANNIE: I like gerbils. LEM: Oh. ANNIE: And you forgot to feed them. LEM: Ah. ANNIE: So now I'm leaving. LEM: I'll take care of the gerbils for you. ANNIE: They're your gerbils. LEM: I'll feed them. ANNIE: I'm leaving. LEM: All the girls will be named Annie. ANNIE: Do what you like. LEM: Bye, Annie. Oops. ANNIE: The Frobdaecious Ann-Margaret Doyle-Hamsterdon. The Third. LEM: Can I call you Ann-Margaret? ANNIE: Just this once. LEM: Bye, Ann-Margaret. ANNIE: Goodbye. [A pause.] LEM: Will you come back and see the gerbils sometime? ANNIE: They're dead. _________________________________________________________________ cananian@alumni.princeton.edu