GERBIL CARE

C. Scott Ananian

July 16, 1997

ANNIE:
I can't believe you forgot to feed the gerbils.

LEM:
I forgot to feed the gerbils.

ANNIE:
You forgot to feed the gerbils.

LEM:
I did. I forgot to feed them. I will feed them now.

ANNIE:
No, it's too late. You forgot to feed the gerbils. Gerbils die if they're not fed.

LEM:
I will feed them now. I can. They won't die.

ANNIE:
They will die. They're already dead.

LEM:
Not if I feed them now.

ANNIE:
It won't help.

LEM:
I'm feeding them now.

ANNIE:
You forgot to feed the gerbils. The gerbils are dead.

LEM:
They seem to be perking up.

ANNIE:
Gerbils don't perk. They skitter. Or they die. Are they skittering?

LEM:
I think so. They're definitely perking up.

ANNIE:
Gerbils don't perk up. They skitter. The gerbils are dead.

LEM:
They don't look dead.

ANNIE:
I can't believe you forgot to feed the gerbils.

LEM:
But I fed them. They're happy.

ANNIE:
No, the gerbils are dead.

LEM:
They're not. Look at this one. He's not dead.

ANNIE:
They should be dead. To me, they're dead.

LEM:
But they're not dead.

ANNIE:
They're dead. I'll bury them presently.

LEM:
But you can't. They're happy. They're perking.

ANNIE:
Gerbils don't perk. They skitter. They're dead.

LEM:
You can't bury perky gerbils.

ANNIE:
They'll have to go.

LEM:
No. I'll take them.

ANNIE:
You can't. They're mine.

LEM:
But you're going to bury them.

ANNIE:
They're dead.

LEM:
They're not.

ANNIE:
They're dead.

LEM:
They're not.

ANNIE:
Take your gerbils and go away. I can't believe you killed the gerbils.

LEM:
I didn't kill them.

ANNIE:
Take them away.

LEM:
You're not going to help feed them?

ANNIE:
They're dead.

LEM:
Somebody has to feed them.

ANNIE:
You'll forget. They'll die.

LEM:
No, they won't. I'll remember.

ANNIE:
You won't.

LEM:
You're not going to feed them?

ANNIE:
No. They're going to die.

LEM:
You won't cuddle them and play with them?

ANNIE:
Not if they're going to die.

LEM:
Do we have to rename them?

ANNIE:
The girl gerbils can keep my name.

LEM:
Even if they're going to die?

ANNIE:
You don't have to rename them.

LEM:
I won't forget to feed them again.

ANNIE:
Yes, you will.

LEM:
I might.

ANNIE:
You will.

LEM:
But they won't die!

ANNIE:
Yes, they will.

LEM:
They didn't die this time.

ANNIE:
They will.

LEM:
How do you know?

ANNIE:
Becuase I'm not going to help you feed them.

LEM:
And you're not going to play with them or cuddle them.

ANNIE:
No.

LEM:
Not even if they're perky?

ANNIE:
Gerbils don't perk. They skitter.

LEM:
The gerbils ate all their food. They look quite healthy.

ANNIE:
You can continue to name the girl gerbils after me.

LEM:
They're perky, they're happy. They even skitter.

ANNIE:
I'm not going to help feed the gerbils.

LEM:
But why?

ANNIE:
You forgot to feed them.

LEM:
They didn't die.

ANNIE:
You forgot.

LEM:
What can I do about it?

ANNIE:
Nothing.

LEM:
I'm sure I can do something.

ANNIE:
Nothing.

LEM:
I'll design a flopacious monster automatic gerbil feeding machine!

ANNIE:
Nope.

LEM:
I'll quit my job, burn my books, and devote myself to gerbil care!

ANNIE:
It won't change anything.

LEM:
I'll establish a chapter of Gerbil Abusers Anonymous.

ANNIE:
Weekly time with bad company doesn't help.

LEM:
I'll donate money to Save The Gerbils.

ANNIE:
They don't accept contributions from abusers.

LEM:
I'll buy two ton bags of food in gerbil-friendly packaging and leave them in the cage in case I ever forget.

ANNIE:
They'll stuff themselves and explode.

LEM:
There has to be something I can do.

ANNIE:
You forgot to feed the gerbils.

LEM:
I'm sorry, Annie.

ANNIE:
Don't use my name.

LEM:
I can't call you Annie?

ANNIE:
The gerbils can be Annie. Not me.

LEM:
What can I call you?

ANNIE:
The Frobdaecious Ann-Margaret Doyle-Hamsterdon.

LEM:
Oh.

ANNIE:
The Third.

LEM:
I can still call the gerbils Annie?

ANNIE:
Until you kill them.

LEM:
I'm sorry about not feeding them.

ANNIE:
You should be.

LEM:
Please don't leave the gerbils, Annie.

ANNIE:
Don't call me that.

LEM:
I, er--I was talking to the gerbils.

ANNIE:
Only if you're talking to the gerbils. The girl gerbils. Only.

LEM:
Please don't leave.

ANNIE:
I can't share gerbils with someone who won't feed them.

LEM:
I'll free the gerbils. We can buy hamsters.

ANNIE:
No. You'll forget to change their wood chips.

LEM:
Alligators.

ANNIE:
You won't clean their teeth.

LEM:
Kiwis.

ANNIE:
Feather maintenence.

LEM:
Antelope.

ANNIE:
Don't they have horns?

LEM:
We won't buy animals, them. Just don't leave.

ANNIE:
You forgot to feed the gerbils.

LEM:
We'll forget the gerbils. We'll just be friends.

ANNIE:
I'm not your friend.

LEM:
But--we fed the gerbils together.

ANNIE:
Yes.

LEM:
We played with them and cuddled them!

ANNIE:
Sometimes.

LEM:
You'd come over special to help me feed the gerbils.

ANNIE:
I was making an exception.

LEM:
You weren't doing that because you liked me?

ANNIE:
I like gerbils.

LEM:
Oh.

ANNIE:
And you forgot to feed them.

LEM:
Ah.

ANNIE:
So now I'm leaving.

LEM:
I'll take care of the gerbils for you.

ANNIE:
They're your gerbils.

LEM:
I'll feed them.

ANNIE:
I'm leaving.

LEM:
All the girls will be named Annie.

ANNIE:
Do what you like.

LEM:
Bye, Annie. Oops.

ANNIE:
The Frobdaecious Ann-Margaret Doyle-Hamsterdon. The Third.

LEM:
Can I call you Ann-Margaret?

ANNIE:
Just this once.

LEM:
Bye, Ann-Margaret.

ANNIE:
Goodbye.

[A pause.]

LEM:
Will you come back and see the gerbils sometime?

ANNIE:
They're dead.



cananian@alumni.princeton.edu