GERBIL CARE
C. Scott Ananian
July 16, 1997
- ANNIE:
- I can't believe you forgot to feed the gerbils.
- LEM:
- I forgot to feed the gerbils.
- ANNIE:
- You forgot to feed the gerbils.
- LEM:
- I did. I forgot to feed them. I will feed them now.
- ANNIE:
- No, it's too late. You forgot to feed the gerbils. Gerbils
die if they're not fed.
- LEM:
- I will feed them now. I can. They won't die.
- ANNIE:
- They will die. They're already dead.
- LEM:
- Not if I feed them now.
- ANNIE:
- It won't help.
- LEM:
- I'm feeding them now.
- ANNIE:
- You forgot to feed the gerbils. The gerbils are dead.
- LEM:
- They seem to be perking up.
- ANNIE:
- Gerbils don't perk. They skitter. Or they die. Are they
skittering?
- LEM:
- I think so. They're definitely perking up.
- ANNIE:
- Gerbils don't perk up. They skitter. The gerbils are dead.
- LEM:
- They don't look dead.
- ANNIE:
- I can't believe you forgot to feed the gerbils.
- LEM:
- But I fed them. They're happy.
- ANNIE:
- No, the gerbils are dead.
- LEM:
- They're not. Look at this one. He's not dead.
- ANNIE:
- They should be dead. To me, they're dead.
- LEM:
- But they're not dead.
- ANNIE:
- They're dead. I'll bury them presently.
- LEM:
- But you can't. They're happy. They're perking.
- ANNIE:
- Gerbils don't perk. They skitter. They're dead.
- LEM:
- You can't bury perky gerbils.
- ANNIE:
- They'll have to go.
- LEM:
- No. I'll take them.
- ANNIE:
- You can't. They're mine.
- LEM:
- But you're going to bury them.
- ANNIE:
- They're dead.
- LEM:
- They're not.
- ANNIE:
- They're dead.
- LEM:
- They're not.
- ANNIE:
- Take your gerbils and go away. I can't believe you killed the
gerbils.
- LEM:
- I didn't kill them.
- ANNIE:
- Take them away.
- LEM:
- You're not going to help feed them?
- ANNIE:
- They're dead.
- LEM:
- Somebody has to feed them.
- ANNIE:
- You'll forget. They'll die.
- LEM:
- No, they won't. I'll remember.
- ANNIE:
- You won't.
- LEM:
- You're not going to feed them?
- ANNIE:
- No. They're going to die.
- LEM:
- You won't cuddle them and play with them?
- ANNIE:
- Not if they're going to die.
- LEM:
- Do we have to rename them?
- ANNIE:
- The girl gerbils can keep my name.
- LEM:
- Even if they're going to die?
- ANNIE:
- You don't have to rename them.
- LEM:
- I won't forget to feed them again.
- ANNIE:
- Yes, you will.
- LEM:
- I might.
- ANNIE:
- You will.
- LEM:
- But they won't die!
- ANNIE:
- Yes, they will.
- LEM:
- They didn't die this time.
- ANNIE:
- They will.
- LEM:
- How do you know?
- ANNIE:
- Becuase I'm not going to help you feed them.
- LEM:
- And you're not going to play with them or cuddle them.
- ANNIE:
- No.
- LEM:
- Not even if they're perky?
- ANNIE:
- Gerbils don't perk. They skitter.
- LEM:
- The gerbils ate all their food. They look quite healthy.
- ANNIE:
- You can continue to name the girl gerbils after me.
- LEM:
- They're perky, they're happy. They even skitter.
- ANNIE:
- I'm not going to help feed the gerbils.
- LEM:
- But why?
- ANNIE:
- You forgot to feed them.
- LEM:
- They didn't die.
- ANNIE:
- You forgot.
- LEM:
- What can I do about it?
- ANNIE:
- Nothing.
- LEM:
- I'm sure I can do something.
- ANNIE:
- Nothing.
- LEM:
- I'll design a flopacious monster automatic gerbil feeding
machine!
- ANNIE:
- Nope.
- LEM:
- I'll quit my job, burn my books, and devote myself to gerbil
care!
- ANNIE:
- It won't change anything.
- LEM:
- I'll establish a chapter of Gerbil Abusers Anonymous.
- ANNIE:
- Weekly time with bad company doesn't help.
- LEM:
- I'll donate money to Save The Gerbils.
- ANNIE:
- They don't accept contributions from abusers.
- LEM:
- I'll buy two ton bags of food in gerbil-friendly packaging and
leave them in the cage in case I ever forget.
- ANNIE:
- They'll stuff themselves and explode.
- LEM:
- There has to be something I can do.
- ANNIE:
- You forgot to feed the gerbils.
- LEM:
- I'm sorry, Annie.
- ANNIE:
- Don't use my name.
- LEM:
- I can't call you Annie?
- ANNIE:
- The gerbils can be Annie. Not me.
- LEM:
- What can I call you?
- ANNIE:
- The Frobdaecious Ann-Margaret Doyle-Hamsterdon.
- LEM:
- Oh.
- ANNIE:
- The Third.
- LEM:
- I can still call the gerbils Annie?
- ANNIE:
- Until you kill them.
- LEM:
- I'm sorry about not feeding them.
- ANNIE:
- You should be.
- LEM:
- Please don't leave the gerbils, Annie.
- ANNIE:
- Don't call me that.
- LEM:
- I, er--I was talking to the gerbils.
- ANNIE:
- Only if you're talking to the gerbils. The girl gerbils.
Only.
- LEM:
- Please don't leave.
- ANNIE:
- I can't share gerbils with someone who won't feed them.
- LEM:
- I'll free the gerbils. We can buy hamsters.
- ANNIE:
- No. You'll forget to change their wood chips.
- LEM:
- Alligators.
- ANNIE:
- You won't clean their teeth.
- LEM:
- Kiwis.
- ANNIE:
- Feather maintenence.
- LEM:
- Antelope.
- ANNIE:
- Don't they have horns?
- LEM:
- We won't buy animals, them. Just don't leave.
- ANNIE:
- You forgot to feed the gerbils.
- LEM:
- We'll forget the gerbils. We'll just be friends.
- ANNIE:
- I'm not your friend.
- LEM:
- But--we fed the gerbils together.
- ANNIE:
- Yes.
- LEM:
- We played with them and cuddled them!
- ANNIE:
- Sometimes.
- LEM:
- You'd come over special to help me feed the gerbils.
- ANNIE:
- I was making an exception.
- LEM:
- You weren't doing that because you liked me?
- ANNIE:
- I like gerbils.
- LEM:
- Oh.
- ANNIE:
- And you forgot to feed them.
- LEM:
- Ah.
- ANNIE:
- So now I'm leaving.
- LEM:
- I'll take care of the gerbils for you.
- ANNIE:
- They're your gerbils.
- LEM:
- I'll feed them.
- ANNIE:
- I'm leaving.
- LEM:
- All the girls will be named Annie.
- ANNIE:
- Do what you like.
- LEM:
- Bye, Annie. Oops.
- ANNIE:
- The Frobdaecious Ann-Margaret Doyle-Hamsterdon. The Third.
- LEM:
- Can I call you Ann-Margaret?
- ANNIE:
- Just this once.
- LEM:
- Bye, Ann-Margaret.
- ANNIE:
- Goodbye.
-
- [A pause.]
- LEM:
- Will you come back and see the gerbils sometime?
- ANNIE:
- They're dead.
cananian@alumni.princeton.edu