i've got the odd feeling i was transparent tonight.
i couldn't see through me, mind
but all the world else could.

what was i doing
 what did i want
i know, but did not
wasn't telling
myself.

i've done something i've never before
well...
  not exactly.

many times i've cheated on the girl i loved
 but not usually when the girl loved me.
  a border's been crossed.

am i proud to have done this?
no.  i mean yes.  i am happy.
and the other, that one, has brought me nothing but sadness
recently

would i do this again,
 and with what cause
  small?

that girl could steal my heart
 quite easily.

and perhaps she knows it.

i think i heard the invitation
 but i declined.
   not yet free
     not yet.

what do i say to them, to her
 or her?

that i am not free
 can i work to reconcile
  with the first
   when such delights await an
    ending?

perhaps this has all been seen from the
 beginning.

do i love her?  which one?
 i'm not certain.  sigh.

in the starting the
 forbidden does
  look sweet
but do i know the apple i bite
 and the pain accompanying
  if that i choose.

i feel happy.  she
 paid attention
  to me.
that means a lot
 in a media saturated
  distraction heavy
   universe.
we're even beaming to aliens these days
 twenty-four seven.

are either of them *right*
 does it matter
  i am happy.

but trouble simmers gently
 and i am not free.

 --CSA 4:23am 30-May-1999