The world has turned to grey again
 as oft it does with me
  no bounce left stepping
   no clear direction
    wandering through the haze.
I wake and sleep and wake again
 losing the daylight to mindless
  sleep, the nighttime hours
   lurking, animate
    without
     animation.
A glassy-eyed stare and willed
 unthought
  repetition:
   this day I'll read, this next
    flip through magazines, tomorrow
     waste the day
      pretending to write.
No task appeals, no motive force
 apparent
  I left all that
   that was
    the other day
     I'm tired now
      let me be.

I wish to go out!  Enjoy myself!
 Live life, steal impetus, vacation!
  but cannot move
   cannot shake myself.

Somewhere, my girlfriend sits
 wondering what's happened to me
  wondering why I don't call
   where I am
    I can't move.
Underneath, I blame her for it all
 (not stopping, blame the world entire)
  why can't she wake me why
   won't she come drag me
    from this unsleeping
     monotony?

I spend a whole day playing solitaire
 winning some games without joy
  putting the cards back down immediately
   I don't care.  I've stopped caring
    I only want to be
     *HAPPY*
      instead...

My dog dies today the
 family dog my
  childhood constant
   companion and I
    am nowhere near.
The sharp sudden grief rocks me from my
 sleep, wakes me ---
  the only cure for depression
   is real grief.
                                      -- CSA, 27-mar-2002.  Around 1am.