From cananian@lesser-magoo.lcs.mit.edu Sat Jan 23 07:09:57 1999 Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 07:09:47 -0500 (EST) From: C. Scott Ananian To: xxxxx@xxx.xxx Subject: i'm tired and i can't sleep can't stop tapping my foot and fidgeting, all wound up inside over lots of little things. my outstanding ticket and my shaky finances and the work i haven't been getting done on my research though i want to and the courses i haven't signed up for and .... can't stop moving and thinking, but i'm bone weary and feeling sick and my throat hurts, though i took aspirin, which i never do, and now i'm hot and before i was cold and i'm just worried and upset about life. and i'm worried about our relationship because it really isn't working these days, although i don't think you know how much trouble it's in. i'm wondering why people always wait until they hate each other to break up ( or do they, i guess i wouldn't know, but it seems that way ) and i'm thinking maybe it would be better to ease things out while we're still friends and that maybe it's time to set you free though i love you so much, too much maybe, more than is reasonable, whatever reasonable is. and i can't stop thinking. and i'm so tired and i know you're going to ring the phone just as soon as i finally fall asleep and i don't want it but i do and i wish things could be as they were but i know that we'll fight over something tomorrow because i can't remember a time since christmas when we haven't and i'm so sad. and it's all such little stuff but it's that stuff that builds up inside because it's not big enough to vent about and i hate conflict so much it would take something huge to make me walk away or even say anything maybe, i don't know. i feel so small writing all these things on email and i should really say them to you in person but you're asleep and i can't sleep and i can't stop my fingers moving i just have to talk and write because i can't sleep and i can't stop thinking and worrying. i love you but your thoughts have been so far from me recently except those rare times and then i remember how it used to be and how wonderful it was but they're so rare and it's probably my fault because it hurts so much to be near and yet far away that i'd rather be not near and not deal. fundamental cowardice, my forte. i'm too sensitive to things and they hurt me too much and it's my fault but i can't help it and i can't pretend that i'm any different or that i don't feel when i do. be glad that you are you, with your life, and your friends, and people around you all the time. i am here alone, in the dark, worrying about things that plague me and only me, hurt by missiles invisible to anyone except me, it seems, and i will return to a life alone, pursuing abstracted goals that i'm not even sure i care about any more. i can't help but be totally possessed by you, you are the only person in my life, in my mind, in my thoughts, dreams, and now my waking night. i'm so sad. so lonely alone. and i give up everything and sit at your feet for the morsels of attention you dole out because i am so passionately fixated on you, but my dependence is now hurting me and i can't get away from it. i'm rambling but this whole email is rambling and now i'm going to go back to bed and stare at the ceiling and worry about what i've written which is a change i suppose, a new worry that i wasn't worrying before. moving my fingers has made my feet stop tapping and maybe that's good, maybe that means i'll be able to sleep but probably not because i've written so many things to you that i'm going to worry about. maybe i should swallow it, save the message, never send it, but i do that all that time and i don't know how long i can survive like that. i can't survive like that. it festers until it makes my feet tap and my fingers itch and my brain ache though i try to sleep. my heart is still thumping like sixty though i'm supposed to be sleepy alpha waves slow heartbeat. it's like what caffeine does to me right before a test, the cold insanity that keeps me alert but twisted inside, but i haven't had anything but water tonight, lots of water because my throat is so sore and the coldness brings a fleeting relief. i am so beat. forgive me the rash words because i haven't been as politic and circumloquacious as i would normally be but maybe that's good in this case, i don't know. tell me you know what's been going wrong with us and how to fix it because i just can't live like this, the dull aching undercurrent of our recent togetherness. i'm crazy. i'm just nuts and so i will always be alone but at least i'll have a month and a half of sheer unbridled joyful plurality to remember. i must be feverish. [Ed note: In fact, I was.]